What is emotional blackmail?

First of all, let’s explain what blackmail is. According to the Dicio online dictionary , the word is a noun that means a pressure that is put on a person. The intention is to get something from her, like money, and this is all done with threats of revelations of some facts or some punitive action against the person. In this article we will provide you the information about emotional blackmail.

So, emotional blackmail follows the same precept. However, he uses the manipulation of his emotions as a “weapon” against the victim. In addition, it creates emotional insecurity or exploits feelings of guilt. Another term to classify this type of action is psychological blackmail .

The characteristics of emotional blackmail

Now that we understand more about emotional blackmail, let’s understand what are the characteristics of this manipulation. As already mentioned, it is marked by a series of feelings experienced by the victim. For example:

• fault;
• fear;
• remorse;
• feather;
• obligation.

In addition, the victim also feels anxiety and insecurity. Therefore, the blackmailed person begins to have doubts about what is right and what is wrong in this relationship. Still, she also questions her way of acting and thinking. Therefore, he judges himself incapable of resolving such a situation, so he must adapt to this reality.

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Therefore, it is important to be careful not to get confused about what emotional blackmail is with normal requests. The main indication that you are being blackmailed is present in the abuser’s response to your denials .

In other words, if your opinions and wishes are not being respected, it is a warning sign. By the way, another indication is when the blackmailer reacts with threats of rejection or distancing with his “no”!

The stages of emotional blackmail

For Dr. Susan Forward, psychological blackmail has 6 stages:

First stage: the handler expresses his demand

In the first stage, the blackmailer tends to be direct, communicating exactly what he wants. Incidentally, the person can insinuate their goals and play with the emotions and feelings of the victim.

Second stage: the blackmailed person shows resistance

After the manipulator presents what he wants, usually something unpleasant or harmful, it is quite normal for the victim to refuse the proposal. After all, she begins to feel that something is wrong.

Third stage: the blackmailer imposes psychological pressure

People who are controlling have a habit of not giving up what they want too easily. Therefore, to dissuade the victim from changing his posture, the blackmailer presents some postures. How to argue that you’re thinking about what’s best for both of you or appear to be a concerned person motivated by love.

Also, some people can behave dramatically. In this sense, they make aggressive criticisms or even convince the victim that he is being selfish.

Fourth stage: a threat is made

In this step, the blackmailer makes the person responsible for the negative consequences that his refusal will cause. That is, his intention is to make the victim change his mind, so as not to have future annoyances.

In addition, the aggressor informs that the positive result will depend on whether the blackmailed person is submissive to his orders.

Fifth stage: the victim conforms and gives in to intimidation

After the victim falls into the blackmailer’s trap, the emotional blackmail comes to fruition! After all, the manipulated person begins to give up his interests and gives up what he believes to be right, to meet the requests of the other.

Sixth stage: a new cycle begins

In the last step, the blackmailer succeeds in his strategy. So he will repeat it at an opportune time. Incidentally, he has no concern about the damage caused by psychological violence to the other person.

The types of emotional blackmail

In this article, we’ll look at what these types of emotional blackmail are and what are the hidden ideas and messages behind them.

1. The Elephant in the Room

The concept of “elephant in the room” refers to an idea or fact that, although it is important and present in the thoughts of all the people involved , is not addressed, it is avoided talking about it.

In the same way, a type of emotional blackmail is based precisely on pretending an intended normality in such a forced way that it is clear that something is wrong, the subject being “nullified” some kind of conflict that both members of a relationship are aware of and They They should talk to resolve this.

The fact that someone acts towards another person in a way that screams the existence of a taboo is something that creates a rarefied atmosphere in which conflict is felt all the time and therefore guilt does not leave us.

2. Self-punishment

Punishing yourself in front of the other member of the couple is one of the most common forms of emotional blackmail , due to its simplicity and emotional impact.

Furthermore, the negative implications of self-punishment are so strong that it is even possible to fake them, since the possibility that someone is suffering means that we often do not stop to critically analyze whether it is true or not. For example, one person may pretend to make a sacrifice in order to respond to the other, without that sacrifice existing : he says he planned to go see his parents and couldn’t make it, but maybe he doesn’t even feel like it.

3. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a very common type of manipulation in abuse settings . It consists of making the other person believe that their mental abilities do not enable them to know what is really going on, and that what they think are reasons to be angry are not.

For example, convincing the other person that they were never promised something when it actually happened, and blaming them for making up memories. This phenomenon makes the other person feel bad about themselves and believe that it is the other person who has a lot of patience .

4. Threats of suicide

It is very important to make it clear that not all statements related to the possibility of committing suicide are a form of emotional blackmail. In fact, most people who take their lives give notice first. That is why, in any case, when faced with reactions of this type (for example, in the context of a couple’s separation), it is very important to seek professional help.

5. Blackmail by the Mercantile

It is a type of blackmail in which one tries to induce guilt, underlining facts that apparently can be interpreted as sacrifices that were made by the other person. For example, buy some drinks. The logic behind this reasoning is that everything that initially appears to be a spontaneous show of kindness actually has a price, which is decided a posteriori for the blackmailer’s convenience.

6. Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is considered a form of abuse, but it also has a facet as a type of emotional blackmail. This is because, through insults and contempt, the other person can internalize the idea that nothing is worth it , that your own criteria do not matter and that therefore the best thing to do is to obey. Self-esteem seems very resentful.

7. Blackmail of necessity

Some people try to emotionally blackmail other people by using a kind of speech that they have “basic needs” that they need to meet, something they can’t fight. This makes being forced to satisfy them seem the most reasonable thing to do, and not doing so would cause guilt to be born.

8. Appropriation

This type of emotional blackmail is typical of some relationships. It is based on the idea that there is a party that protects the other, which in practice means that one of the people must be controlled by the partner . Questioning this would be an attempt against the well-being of the relationship, so you don’t try to break this dynamic.

How to identify an emotional blackmailer?

As much as there is no “standard” of how a blackmailer behaves, he usually has these characteristics:

• show little empathy;
• they are self-centered;
• offer help and do things for you, but charge for it later ;
• have difficulty taking on responsibilities;
• exhibit passive-aggressive behavior;
• they hate to lose;
• are emotionally immature;
• they don’t assume when they are wrong ;
• they make many promises but do not keep them;
• they play victims.

The characteristics of potential victims of blackmail

People who are more likely to be targets of emotional blackmail may have some of these inclinations:

• they seek everyone’s approval;
• they put their needs in the background;
• have great empathy and a sense of compassion;
• they may be insecure and have low self-esteem;
• prefer to avoid conflict ;
• they are quite responsible;
• demonstrate sensitivity to criticism;
• feel guilty quite easily.

In general, these aforementioned behaviors are desirable to ensure good coexistence in a society. Therefore, a person who has these characteristics should not worry. However, the big problem is when a subject perceives in these particularities a way to obtain advantages .

How to deal with emotional blackmail

1. Reflect on yourself and the situation

Do you apologize for what you did, even if you didn’t do anything wrong? This is one of several signs that you are being blackmailed. After all, the manipulator does not always use physical force and violence to gain control.

In many cases, they use emotions such as guilt and fear to get what they want . Then, analyze this relationship and ask yourself if you give in to this person’s wishes out of duty or guilt. In fact, make a mental record of how many times you have to make sacrifices for her. Still, how often does she meet your demands.

2. Understand the bully’s tactics

Keep your enemies closer! This phrase is very consistent with this tip. After all, knowing how the blackmailer manipulates your emotions is important to regain control.

So, try to recognize what tactics he uses to coerce you. If it’s too difficult, try to observe this situation as if you were an outsider. This attitude helps to see what the behavior pattern of the blackmailer is.

3. Learn to say “no”!

The people who have the hardest time talking to say “no” are those who find themselves trapped in blackmail situations. Therefore, to put an end to this manipulation, the person has to learn to say “no” .

One tip for getting comfortable with the word “no” is to rehearse it on your own. Just say “no” instead of “I can’t”, as it is more effective and helps to resist emotional blackmail.

4. Set boundaries

Last but not least: set limits! That’s because when your personal desires become more important than pleasing others, emotional blackmail has no place.

After all, when a person establishes their limits, they create their space and prevent other people from invading it . And when a person makes a request that brings discomfort, the victim should ask if complying with that demand compromises his personal priorities.