I don’t want to be a mother why it is and How to deal with criticism

I don’t want to be a mother

Motherhood is an extremely important event in a woman’s life cycle. For this reason, upon reaching a certain age, we face social pressure from which we cannot always escape. In this sense, there are several myths related to motherhood, especially when we talk about first-time mothers. However, not all women want to be mothers. In this article we will tell you about the phenomenon that I don’t want to be a mother.

Motherhood is a complex process and, from the moment of pregnancy, your life will begin to change in all aspects, both physical and social, as in many situations you will no longer be seen as a “woman” but will be perceived as a “mother”. . On the other hand, if you decide not to take this step, some people may make you feel incomplete and judge you for your decision.

I don’t want to be a mother, so what?

What’s the problem if I don’t want to have kids? First of all, it’s important to understand that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, since motherhood is something very complex and something that not everyone is prepared for. For this reason, not wanting to be a mother is as valid and legitimate a decision as wanting to be.

For years, women have been forced to play a role that we don’t always represent, and we had to face the various comments that pressured us, but luckily that is changing.

However, motherhood is such a naturalized process that choosing not to be a mother, especially voluntarily, can be a factor of tension and social pressure that forces women to listen to a barrage of hurtful comments . All of these situations can lead you to think things about yourself that didn’t even cross her mind before. 

Why I don’t want to be a mother

There is not always a specific reason for not wanting to have children, sometimes that maternal desire or instinct simply does not arise and there is no reason for there to be other secondary reasons. In other cases, it is also possible that professional and personal goals cannot be reconciled with motherhood, or the woman cannot get pregnant biologically and does not want to be exposed to fertilization processes, or even has already gone through several of these processes and does not want to continue.

Whatever the case, what should be clear is that not all women have to be mothers, just as Simone De Beauvoir said “anatomy is not destiny” [1] and our value does not change by whether or not we are mothers.

How to deal with criticism

In some cases, criticism of the decision not to become a mother can be highly uncomfortable and painful, however, there are tools to deal with this situation. Here are some tips for dealing with criticism when you decide not to be a mother:

  • Talk to others about the topic : there is no reason to explain your decision if you don’t want to, however, expressing that there are other options can help others to better understand your choice. Maybe that person judges based on what he learned living that moment and doesn’t know any other alternatives.
  • It is not advisable to enter into ethical or moral debates with other people. Exchanging opinions is good as long as it’s in a respectable conversation, but you need to know that your decision is as valid as any other and you don’t have to justify yourself all the time or try to convince others.
  • Remind yourself why you made that decision , and reinforce that idea by reminding yourself why. They may make you doubt it, especially considering that we live surrounded by social norms, but that doesn’t mean you have to comply with them.
  • Don’t think too much about negative comments : we can’t control what others say or think about us, so the best thing is to try to see it as something alien to us and move on with our lives.
  • As the saying goes, “what John says about Peter says more about John than about Peter”. Criticisms are shaped by each person’s beliefs, so remember that these are their fears, not yours . It is likely that they are projecting their own beliefs and opinions, and even if they are directing them towards you, they really have nothing to do with you.
  • Although this is a very sensitive topic and can be difficult, you must understand that you do not need recognition from others at all times. Leaving the social norm is complicated, and it ends up being much easier if you have the support of your loved ones, however, if they are against your decision, they will not be of help to your well-being. In these cases, you just need to trust yourself.
  • Finally, if you feel that your self-esteem is being affected by this topic, you can also consider looking for a psychologist to help you deal better with the situation and offer you adequate tools to face these cruel comments.

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